Welcome to the first ever blog post on Math, Chocolate and Circus! I’m choosing to start it off with a story about the one aspect of academic life that I have found the most challenging, but also life-changing and rewarding: moving. I have been through five major moves; most of these were to a new country, some were to a new continent. In the process have learned a lot about moves, and the logistics and emotional impact that go along with them.

Move #1.

From: My childhood home in Eastern Europe.
To: West Coast USA.

Reason: Husband’s career.

My expectations: Yay! We move to America! I learn English! I go to grad school! We make new friends! We move back home in two years with lots of savings (which requires no financial planning because America is magical) and then we have five children!

Reality sets in: First there was jet-lag. Then there was a total lack of life skills: bill paying and housekeeping hadn’t been my strong suits even back home, but whatever skills I did possess didn’t translate well to a new country. Our home looked like a barely-furnished but extremely messy hotel room. Then I learned that my English wasn’t good enough to make friends, or participate in a group conversation, or understand a joke. My social network was reduced overnight from an extensive group of family and long-time close friends to one husband. Cue crippling loneliness and complete emotional dependence on my spouse – not healthy. Then came homesickness to the point of uncontrollable sobs. It was all thoroughly traumatic for at least the first year or so. To make it worse, Husband and I chose to live in a random suburb halfway between my school and his work, making us both even more isolated from potential friends. The location also left us fairly car-dependent, which caused some friction as we only had one car.

What I learned: Moving to a new country with a significantly different culture and a language you don’t speak fluently is an extremely challenging and isolating experience – unless your social skills are far superior to mine, which they might well be. Do your research in advance and find out as much about daily life as possible. How do you pay bills? Where will you set up a bank account? Which neighbourhoods are pleasant to live in? Ask acquaintances to put you in contact with people they know in the area. If you don’t know anyone and have trouble making friends instantly, get a therapist: a person who is paid to talk to you is still better than nothing.

My sister, who has recently moved countries for the first time, also has some words of wisdom to share. She suggests, and this is fantastic advice, to find a (new or existing) hobby immediately: join a choir or an orchestra, find a climbing gym or a dance school or life drawing or pottery classes – whatever appeals to you. It will help you to connect with people and feel less isolated, and at the very least you’ll have something enjoyable to get out of the house for.

Move #2.

From: West Coast USA.
To: East Coast USA.

Reason: Husband’s career.

My expectations: I’m going to die if I have to go through this one more time. How can he do this to me? (Being an academic he had little to no choice, of course.)

Reality sets in: It actually wasn’t so bad – not that it was smooth but the evidence suggests I didn’t die. Making friends was much easier once I spoke the language, and culture shock was almost negligible. We were only in this new place for a year, which is a tricky amount of time to deal with, but we were both lucky to make a few good friends quickly. We also had some of Husband’s family nearby, which was wonderful: I had been very hungry for family. My academic situation was not ideal, but it ended up working out reasonably well.

What I learned: Moving within the same country is much easier. Still, if you don’t know anyone, plan your human contact as seriously as you plan your flights.

 

Move #3.

From: East Coast USA.
To: Eastern Canada (Toronto).

Reason: Husband’s career.

My expectations: I wanted this. I had been to Toronto once before to visit a friend and within a day I knew I wanted to live there. I had a new graduate program to transfer to and a PhD advisor chosen, and I was looking forward to it.

Reality sets in: As much as I knew that Toronto would be good for me long-term, the move was tough. I was again lonely and depressed for about a year. We had previously sold all our furniture on the West Coast because we didn’t want to move it twice – a poor decision given that Husband’s employer would have paid for the move. We were still a bit weak in the life-skills department. That meant that in Toronto we were starting from scratch, and we hesitated between renting and buying, resulting in us living in a little mouse hole of a sublet for half a year. Making friends was again a challenge because I entered in the middle of the graduate program, so I didn’t get the usual “first year bonding” experience. That said, once I did make friends, they turned out to be some of the best friends I’ve ever had. They became my second family, and Toronto became my second home. I still haven’t gotten over leaving it behind.

What I learned: Even if you are moving to the place of your dreams, you’ll still have to go through the experience of moving, which sucks every single time. Be prepared for it.

Move #4.

From: Toronto.
To: West Coast USA.

Reason: My career!

My expectations: I got a job! They hired me just for me! That is amazing and this will be a super-exciting professional experience, and we’ll even be close to my partner’s family and we’ll make a bunch of friends.

Reality sets in: This move was only a 6-month stop in the middle of a much larger move (#5, to Australia), making it a logistic nightmare. We hired movers for the big move (best thing ever, more on this later), and we bought a minivan to drive the rest of our stuff to the West coast. The road trip itself was awesome, but the whole operation was still a huge pain and a huge expense. Our new apartment had its problems despite the exorbitant rent, but short-term rentals are so difficult to find that we were still considered lucky. My job was part of a special program, which in retrospect was a great benefit to my career, but at the time gave me the worst imposter syndrome ever: I spent many an evening on our couch crying in a foetal position. These feelings of inadequacy also got in the way of social life to some extent, and six months is a tough length of time anyway: too long for it to be a trip, but too short to really form a social network. Nonetheless, we did enjoy the proximity of family, the excellent math and the gorgeous surroundings.

What I learned: If you can avoid it, do not move to a new continent with a six-month stop on the way. That is an insane thing to do: it will test your endurance, and make you feel like a nomad. Which you are as an early-career academic, but on happier days you can manage to forget it.

 

Move #5.

From: West Coast USA.
To: Australia.

Reason: My career again!

My expectations: This will be an awesome career move and we already have a couple of friends there and the sun shines and the parrots are colourful!

Reality sets in: Moving to a new continent is tough and expensive, there is no way around it, even though my new job did cover much of the expense. Having movers was the greatest thing ever, and we were very lucky to be moved by a reliable, professional company. Taking our IKEA furniture with us to Australia sounded crazy, but it was the best decision we made in this move: it made setting up infinitely easier and it brought us a sense of “home” instantly. Having friends here has also made things so much easier and more pleasant: they helped a lot with the logistics, took us out to festivals and made us countless dinners. We discovered that Australia is insanely far from both Europe and North America, so we probably don’t want to stay here permanently, but for now it’s pretty great.

What I learned: Take your stuff with you if you can! Even if you think your stuff is all crap, crappy furniture is still expensive, and having your own crap around you will go a long way towards making you feel at home. Use movers if you can afford them: they save you so much work and worry. Watching five professionals pack up your apartment in five hours while you sit on the floor sipping your tea is nice! But research your movers thoroughly, ask friends for recommendations. And get insurance: even the best movers will break a few things, so paying for insurance will be worth every penny.

And here is the silver lining: Once you’ve moved around for a decade, you’ve made new friends everywhere, and those friends have also left and moved around, the world becomes saturated with your friends. Each subsequent move will be less traumatic because, as you are headed to Kuala Lumpur you can take comfort in the fact that Jack, whom you met in Rio de Janeiro, already moved there two years ago and likes it, and will pick you up from the airport and lend you a pillow for the first two weeks.

Share your own stories and tips in the comments.